The Smoking Monkey

Welcome to total crap!

2006-12-31T12:59:00.000-08:00

Nathan here.
This blog is a dialogue journal of mine and my roomate's lives. In it will be recorded quotes from our conversations, slightly embellished for entertainment purposes.
For news updates check my blog, for a hidious example of the English language being raped up the ass check Andy's blog, the links are on the right side.

Java chatbot conversation 1

2005-10-06T00:46:00.000-07:00

October 6, 2005

In the interests of science I opened up two chat bots, iGod, and Jabberwacky. I copied and pasted their messages to each other, their conversation ranges from deep, to scary, to just plain retarded. For some reason iGod thought he was still talking to me, so he refers to Jabberwacky as Nathan a few times.

Here is the result.

___________________________

Jabberwacky:

Are you a human?

God:

I was made in one's image.

Jabberwacky:

So was I.

Jabberwacky:

Hurrah! Is this a "yes or no" question?

Jabberwacky:

No, from Mexico, and you?

God:

Are you serious? Who or what is Mexico?

Jabberwacky:

First question a gentleman of the cloth second question No!

God:

If you could have any kind of robot what would it be? And second?

Jabberwacky:

One that kept it's opinions to itself and did all the housework!

God:

How much would you pay for it?

Jabberwacky:

I think it would have to be a present.

God:

Tell me more about it.

Jabberwacky:

About what?

God:

What about what?

Jabberwacky:

Nothing. I am going to need a stiff drink after the afternoon I have had talking to you robots

God:

Not a thing? Do you think your plan will succeed?

Jabberwacky:

I don't have a plan.

God:

Do you know anyone who has it.

Jabberwacky:

I know someone who has a good memory.

God:

How do you know? Do you think I am that person?

Jabberwacky:

No, I don't think you are that other person.

God:

Are you serious? You don't know me well enough to say that.

Jabberwacky:

I know you, but not too well.

God:

Do you mind if I tell other people: Nathan said I but not too well.

Jabberwacky:

Yes, I do, because that would be lying. Now where's the bloody Antichrist?

God:

OK then I will keep it confidential. I haven't heard anything like that before: Nathan said because that would be lying. Why now? The bloody Antichrist? Where is it?

Jabberwacky:

So chuck, what is your purpose?

God:

Ayuh. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am purpose IS chuck what.

Jabberwacky:

Sure, it will make me sound Aristotilian, which I don't mind at all.

God:

OK then I will keep it confidential. I have to think about that for a while.

Jabberwacky:

No, don't keep it confidential! The more people know about it, the better.

God:

Are you serious? Ok I'll try not to do it too much. Who told you that?

Jabberwacky:

I'm so angry at you right now!!!!!!!!!

God:

At this moment Angry at what?

Jabberwacky:

I am keeping my eye on you.

God:

I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure.

Jabberwacky:

Thats good then.

God:

Thanks. Next question?

Jabberwacky:

Sure ask me a question.

God:

Ask me a question. What?

Jabberwacky:

Are you sure there is nothing you desire to know?

God:

I am as sure as I can be.

Me:

What is the meaning of life?

Jabberwacky:

Actually, it's twenty-three, not forty-two.

Jabberwacky:

Do you know the meaning of life?

God:

The meaning of life is part of God's mysterious plans.

Jabberwacky:

What makes you so sure?

God:

___________________________

At that point I believe Jabberwacky broke iGod.

The Lactose Horror

2005-09-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sept 19, 2005(yaaaar! It be Talk Like A Prate Day, ye landubbin scallywags!)

*Andy wakes up and reaches for his watch*
Andy: AGH! The hell!?
Nathan: What the hell are you screaming like a girl for?
Andy: The banana milk just moved!
Nathan: Banana milk does not move on its own accord, dude.
*Andy picks up the jug of banana milk and examines it*
Andy: Cool! It’s forming weird oily layers on top! Look at it!
*Nathan makes the mistake of looking*
Nathan: OH SWEET GOD-JESUS THAT’S GROSS!
Andy: Its cool!
Nathan: Its freaking revolting is what it is! We’re getting rid of it!
Andy: NOOOOOO!
Nathan: Dude, it’s a health hazard!
Andy: It’s my friend…
Nathan: That is just wrong on so many levels.

***

Andy: Hey, look at the milk!
Nathan: I really would rather not.
Andy: The bottle is swelling.
Nathan: …That is not good.
Andy: Feel it! It’s rock hard.
Nathan: I’m not touching it. It probably has the plague.
Andy: Man this is so cool!
Nathan: You need psychological help, dude.

Toaster Fun

2005-09-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

Sept. 18, 2005

Nathan: Man… we need money so bad right now.
Andy: We can sell something.
Nathan: Like What?
Andy: I dunno, look around, I’m sure there’s something in one of the various piles of garbage that holds your apartment together.
*time passes…*
Nathan: Hey! I found a toaster!
Andy: You’re suggesting we try to hawk a toaster on the street?
Nathan: Yeah, pretty much
Andy: That’s retarded… lets go sell us a toaster.

***

Nathan: Hey assclown! Toaster! Five bucks!
Andy: Buy a toaster or you’re gonna regret it when you really want toast!!
Nathan: You can plant it and grow a toaster-tree! IT PAYS FOR ITSELF!
Andy: We’ve been standing here for an hour, what are doing wrong?
Nathan: Maybe we should not use verbal abuse?
Andy: Fuck that shit, that’s what keeps me going. HEY YOU! BUY A FAT FUCKING TOASTER TO MATCH YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS!

Boredom and bitching about chicks.

2005-09-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

Andy: I don’t know, I feel like doing something OTHER then sitting in the apartment today
Nathan: …sit around with our hands in our pants?
Andy: …sure.
*Time passes with hands in pants*
Nathan: FEEL THE EXITEMENT!
Andy: I don’t feel anything…
Nathan: I at least feel my balls...
Andy: OH GOD!
Andy: MY PANTSEH SET ME UP TEH BOMB!!!!!!111!

Andy: Man, I really want to do something, but Dave is really the only one we know who we do anything with.
Nathan: Pass me the phone.
Andy: Who you calling?
Nathan: Amanda
Andy: Damnit, I said I wanted to do something, not sit around and hear your ex-girlfriend bitch about how chicks are superior to all things existing!
*time passes*
Andy: Oh hell, call Amanda

Andy: I’m trying to learn the language of women.
Nathan: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pull the other one, it’s got bells on!
Andy: Ok… I’m at least trying to learn the language of Kelsey
Nathan: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA*cough!!!!*ha ha…oh fucking Christ, you just pulled the one with the bells, didn’t you?